Go Seawolves? Awooooo

 Well.

Here I am, following through on my promise of writing weekly. Mind you, this is only week two.

Couple of things to discuss today. The first being the title of this post: I officially accepted my offer to Stony Brook University in Long Island, New York.

I'm a new yorker. yay.

The moment is dimmed simply because of money talks. Monay, munyun, stacks, bands, dubloons. It is sooo polyonymous and it is the only thing on my mind. 

But also. Subtly. I am very excited. Grad school!

I know, I know, I should never ever ever ever ever ever pay for a higher degree but you guys can suck it! Although evil and mean, I do believe in following your dreams, okay? And my dream is to teach, and write books, and become famous in a very very niche place. To have some uppity university pay me to to do what I love. It'll be hard. It already is, but I need this like I need to breathe. 

My whole life, all I've ever been is a student and it's what I love to do. I love speaking to people, discussing theories, reading theories, listening to lectures, learning new things. I love it and I refuse to let this newly formed anxiety stop me from doing that. In two years, I'll be typing that I'm getting my Ph.D. and all of the naysayers and debbie downers can suck my big fat degree. 

I know I can do it, it's literally what I'm made to do.

On a less motivational note, let's discuss the pitfalls of moving off campus and trying to be "mysterious."

As I write this, I realize how ridiculous it is for me to try and force myself to not be the loud, in everybody's face person that I am. I'm writing a blog goddamit! But I think in this day and age, it feels impossible to be authentic and online. At this point, what even is authenticity? In a world of scrolling and skits and trolls (side note- there is this really weird, off-putting trend of people just lying to lie in comment sections and thinking it's funny. It is not. It is very, very, very odd. Don't do that) and paid sponsorships, it feels like being yourself and/or opening yourself to the possibility of being perceived will allow a lot of shitty people, among the good, to see and attack you.

Plus, why put myself online when I'm not always smiling, hanging out with friends, or being successful, or going on trips, or getting scholarships, or getting into grad school? When did Instagram become LinkedIn and vice versa? Why do I feel such jealousy seeing my peers accomplish what I have yet to even apply for? 

And that leads to moving off campus. In college, it's impossible to feel left out. At least while on Harvard's campus. Everyone is doing something at some moment because it's just not the goofy goober way to simply not. There's definitely the weebs and freaks who just go to their CS classes, wank off, and not shower (hehe), but that isn't the norm. And amongst the tears and stress, it feels doable. Accomplishing things, that is. So everyone is posting, everyone is happy, everyone is insert some good thing.

And then it ends. And now there are bills, and people are continuing to progress, and you are left with your shit thrown out of your house on the side of the street, while some of your peers buy class rings and two thousand dollar frames for their magna cum laude Harvard degrees. Yes, plural.

It leaves you wondering: where did it all go? 

College has this wonderful ability to blind you to the discrepancies between your classmates and yourself. You can see those differences, sometimes too plainly-- I'm looking at you rich, Chinese international students(!), but college feels like an equalizer. Yeah, they're swimming in daddy's money but I will become the daddy, you think. And then you don't. And you're left to wonder simply, where did it all go?

Moving out of college sucks complete balls and I refuse to have peaked in college, but damn! When things aren't going my way, feels like God is being very specific about the prayers He's choosing to answer. 

But I don't know. Maybe I'll feel better in that Ph.D. program 3 falls from now. Who knows?

Well, that's all for today. See you on the flip side! Stay hot sexies. xx

OH EM GEE, I'm getting old?

 Whoops! 

Did what I said I wouldn't do. Made this and never posted. But as I do everything but work at work, something a youtuber - ash callaghan - said, made me think. I was definitely posting because I want to be famous and seen.

1) lmao. wut? who am i but a lonely creature on God's green and browning earth? and 2) I get genuine joy from putting my thoughts out into the big ether and rereading them and think hmm I'm so smart! 

So here I am. Promising to post at least once a week, from either my laptop or the school's desktop, both locations giving me strong enough WiFi to write, edit and upload articles.

So, let's get to the nitty gritty. I have updates on myself that lead to the conversation alluded to in the title. 

I successfully moved to Korea in August of 2025, enjoyed myself for about a month before realizing I hate my life, my job, and wish I simply had the guts and acumen to get into PhD's the first time. Then as soon as I decided I hated my life, my job and wished I was doing literally anything else, thought back to the wise words of one of my meanest professors who I love dearly:

"Anisa, I think you should also consider Master's programs. There are some with funding that you can find."

And so I put the pedal to the metal and began writing my applications to UConn, Dartmouth, Stony Brook, and Washington State University's paid Master's programs. Most were in English or Comparative Literature and I took what I learned from my first round of applications to write a stronger statement and cultivate a better profile.

That was November 2025 - February 2026. It is now April. And with two acceptances, a waitlist, and a denial on the table, I'm saving as much money as I can to prepare for landing in Long Island in the fall. 

In preparation for my return to the Estados Unidos, I decided I need to up my lifestyle and better my habits. Which leads to our title: dude what the fuck, am i getting old?

My main tenet for these changes is consistency in the gym, I want to post on Instagram for the first time in two years and avoid feeling the urge to archive the post 5 minutes after it uploads. I want to feel strong and capable after menopause and I would definitely hate having to fight my decreasing metabolism as I get older. Which after doing my first Norwegian 4x4 yesterday, may be coming faster than I thought. 

As I write to you now, dear reader, my hips are in a uproar about what I have been having them do the last month in the name of consistency. Weight training 4 times a week, incline walking and Stairmaster 4 times a week, and now running for 4 minute intervals? oh, she's pissed off. 

And initially, I thought hey, I could do this. Almost 8 years of suicides and down and backs and shuffles and whatever other torture tactics a basketball coach can think of, I thought if I can do that, I can obviously do this. But what no one tells you, is that 5 years is a hell of a time difference. 5 years and 25 pounds does drastically change how your body moves, and how it feels after the movement. It's simply disappointing. 

My mind feels it's up to the task but my body, gosh she tries her best, but she is growing older. The drinking and study abroad cigs are catching up to your girl, and man, am I in pain.

Now at 23, I realize the true importance of movement. I know now to never allow yourself to stop moving and sweating or when you start again it'll be 10x harder to do. Your body deserves more than that.

So as I stretch at my desk and publish this, I hope you take the initiative to get up and move. 

How else are you gonna shake ass on a yacht with sexy 40-year-old men when you're 85?

Fuck the 2000's, I love being a 2010's tween!

Hello all, what a terrible weekend was had. Just permanent depression and uncontrollable melancholy. 

The one other feeling that I was stuck with, was nostalgia.

Usually these days, we Gen-Z, and the others..(Gen-Alpha and Millennials, I'm looking at you) are obsessed with the early 2000's fashion and music but I think we are forgetting the poignant and ever importance that the 2010's had on all of us. 

For this particular post, I want to focus on the music but the 2010's fashion, especially the makeup, was extremely niche and one of a kind. We fall so quickly into nostalgia for the 2000's because of how loud our millennial counterparts are. We think so much about the cartoon's: Avatar, the Last Airbender;  Teen Titans; Code Name: Kid's Next Door, but the shows in the 2010's were just as fun and original. Phineas and Ferb has a theme song that no one can forget, Jessie placed Debby Ryan solidly into our metal midst and the shift in popularity from Cartoon Network to Disney Channel was the beautiful beginning of the end for modern television. 

I could go on and on about the shows of that time period. From the ages of 8-18, I was firmly shaped into the young woman I am now. The thing that really got me, though, this weekend, was hearing an Adele song. Specifically "Chasing Pavements." This led me to listen to my favorite Adele song, "Rumor Has It" and it was downhill from there. The Arctic Monkeys, the Neighborhood, more Adele, Maroon 5, Beyonce! What a time it was! 

It feels almost negligent for us to have moved so fast from the time-period in which the radio was a place to find genuine music that we enjoyed. Well, maybe that's just me. I didn't have a phone until spring of 8th grade, which was 2015/2016 and my relation to music was through the stereo-radio I had in my room and Youtube. 

The ways that that period of music intrinsically shifted my brain-matter, who I am, who we all are, is why it is increasingly difficult for me to relate to Gen Alpha. How would you understand the way hearing "Sweater Weather" for the first time made me understand what my depression, actually, was? How finding The 1975 made me a lifetime fan? The effects of hearing Harry Styles become the star we all knew he was after experiencing the heartbreak of One Direction's split? The effect of Kehlani's debut album SweetSexySavage and Kendrick Lamar's Damn coming out in the same year then Kendrick and SZA's debut as a power musical couple dominating the charts the year after. 

The overwhelm of the 2010s is sinking in the memories of all of us as it is replaced with TikTok music, TikTok jokes, and TikTok takes. The over-simplification of things has forced us to forget the critical thinking that was necessary to fully appreciate the 2010s for what they were: a time of immense, earth shattering change.

We talk of the 2000s like all it was, was partying when it was strewn with war, hatred, and recession. It sparked what made the 2010's so pivotal, so important, so change riddled. Because it wasn't a choice. It was a need. We needed the first Black president and First Lady, we needed to see Black people as people, to be reminded of the problems, we needed music that was relevant to a variety of plights plaguing us all. 

I think the forgetfulness goes hand in hand with why people are struggling with the blatant decline of democracy in this country currently. We have simply erased what was a joyful but difficult time, that was threaded with truly new art, music, shows, fashion, and times. When our rebellion was our joy, how we were all connected to the idea of progress. The difficulties of the 2010s have been forgotten, making it as though we have always been a perfect country, but I'll say more on this in the next post.

My perception could be skewed; those ten years, I was extremely depressed and I found my joy through music on the radio, music videos on Vevo, and later music on Apple music. The music of the 2010s have such a distinct originality that it baffles me that people cannot hear the decline in music's sound in the last five years. Maybe it was the pandemic that lead to this collective amnesia. Maybe it was the intense reliance on social media that placed us there after it. 

I don't know. 

But I just want us to go back to what we listened to in middle school and high school (for those 29-21) and just feel the feels. Then come back to me. 

The 2000s were fun, that's for sure. 

But the 2010s? 

They were magic. Pure, unadulterated magic.

And I am extremely glad to have been a 2010's tween and teen!

xoxo

Who's That Girl? An Easy Guide to the "Hopes and Fears" Author

 Well, well, well, I am back! And it hasn't even been an hour yet! 

This post will be a comprehensive guide to who the hell is talking at y'all from the void. 

Me! Anisa! 

Little general background of the current situation:

I am a not so recent graduate from Harvard College with a degree in History and Literature, and after 4 years of hellish studying, I decided that I needed a couple of gap years before I pursue my PhD. I decided to do a year of service with AmeriCorps serving in Seattle, Washington moving there as in August of 2024.

However, after some convincing from my undergraduate mentor to apply for PhDs now, I applied this past fall to a very meager 4 schools and was denied from not one! not two! not three! But all four schools!

As a Texas/New York native-- it's not as confusing as you think-- giving up isn't necessarily my style, but adjustment sure is. After realizing that maybe I enjoyed teaching a little bit more than I thought; that applying for PhDs takes a little bit more finesse than I thought; and coming to the understanding that I am young, hot and turnt, not dying of old age with shoulda, coulda wouldas, I decided to take a few more years off before applying again. Because unfortunately, I was birthed into this world to be a professor, and a professor I shall be! 

So what am I doing in the meantime? (meantime being from now May 2025, until I apply for PhDs in Fall 2029)

Well, I am currently gathering documents to teach English in Korea with the EPIK program. I plan to do that for about 2-3 years. Then after that, I plan to join TFA in North Carolina or RGV, Texas, so I can be close to my family. I kinda want to get the teaching bug out before being forced to be both an educator and an academic.

Why am I in Seattle, or wherever I am at? 

I have always loved to travel. I was that young girl with the huge world poster and thumbtacks in all of the cities and countries I wanted to visit when I got older. I don't really believe in being a tourist, I don't really think there is an ethical way to actively participate in tourism, and I find that lifestyle boring and not really truthful to what a city or country can give you. Soooooo, I move there and live there. I technically did the touristy thing in Amsterdam, New Zealand....but even then I simply walked around, ate fries with mayo, and tripped some insane balls in a park. 

I don't believe that you can truly know a place from a visit, and living there really immerses you into the culture, the norms, and the day to day life of the people. 

I studied abroad in London at QMUL for 5 months, studied Korean at SNU in Seoul for 2 months, and moved to Massachusetts for undergrad from Texas, and immediately to Seattle, Washington after graduating, and now in two months (before I move to Korea) I will be studying Korean at Middlebury's language school for 8 weeks! 

Will I ever settle down? 

Well the 2-3 years in Korea feels a bit settle down like to me, as well as the mandatory 2 years of TFA, but not really. Not until PhD time! And that's a mandatory 7 years, so it's by force.

Are you single, married, widowed?

Heavily single, and planning to be for a while. I'll get more into that in another post!

Girl, what's the actual background info about you?

I was born in Brooklyn, New York to a Jamaican mother and my biological father is Black American. My adoptive father, BIG KEITH, is a Black American from Mississippi and Tennessee. Therefore, I am a funny mix of Southern and West Indian.

I am a cancer and I am 22, soon to turn 23! I lived in Texas from the age of 9-18, and lived in Georgia before that.

I graduated from Harvard and my specific focus is in comparatively evaluating and analyzing Black American literature and theory to Asian/Asian American literature and theory; I perceive heavy ties between the two communities even though they are always placed at crossroads with one another. 

I started learning Korean because Japanese and Chinese was supposedly "too hard" for an older beginner, as told to me by my Chinese speaking friend, and because I find it extremely disrespectful to engage in another's culture without actually knowing it. So it started out as respect, but over time I genuinely love the language and the culture, and I find knowing it to have allowed my sense of self to be expansive as well.

My mother passed suddenly in January 2024, and truthfully, I haven't allowed myself to grieve it. I needed to graduate so I forced myself into studying (I submitted a high honors thesis!!), then into roles where I don't really have time to think (as a city year, I have to get 1700 hours to receive the Education Segal award) 

I was a varsity basketball player and then covid happened and I gained weight. I've been on a wellness journey that honestly was extremely skewed, but now I've balanced it, I'd like to think!

What do you care about, what can we expect from you?

I think I'll make posts reviewing skincare products (I love skincare!!), talking about my "wellness" journey (girl, I'm just working out and eating well ain't nuffin serious), my outfits or search for my style, my travels across the world and back, my relationships/lack thereof, my intellectual thoughts, I'll be giving y'all the whole nine-yards!!

All of my interests will be from the lens of my identities, as all things are. I will always be inherently biased towards all things Black and womanly and femme and queer. It's just who I am!

What do you stand for?

Free Palestine

Protecting Trans Women, Men and Kids

Free Rights to Abortion

Fuck Anti-Blackness

Immigrants are not Aliens, they are people

Gay People deserve Rights

Intellectualism is not just a class issue, it is necessary for democracy's survival

etc. etc.! 

I'll freely update this as things progress, or I remember things that are relevant that you may need to know! 

Until next time, 

xoxo hehe 

My Very First Post

 Well, hello there! 

I've never read or written a blog and I am extremely excited to go on this journey! 

I've started this blog in my last few weeks working at City Year in Seattle, Washington in the midst of SBAC, or Smarter Balanced Assessment Consortium testing, and because I am neither a student or teacher, I have nothing else to really do. That combined with new ADHD medications... well, let's just say that I've taken multiple practice LSATs and GRE tests and leave it at that.

I went onto my close friends story on instagram begging for something to do--as all young women do-- and start my own website or blog was an option, then with further supplementation from a coworker, this has come to life! 

Do I know what I'm doing? No. 

Have I ever done this before? No. 

Will I even be consistent on this thing? Also, probably no.

But I have wanted to express myself on the deep dark net and this is the easiest and least embarrassing way to do so. Maybe only my 5-10 closest friends will ever see what goes on the blog. Maybe a future employer who has googled my name looking for my misdeeds will see this blog and shudder with mild embarrassment. Who knows! What I do know is that I'm currently in my 20-somethings, 22, I'm a Black woman, and I have hopes and fears that I think everyone should know about.

In this blog I will be sharing anything I find worthwhile, thoughts and feelings that I believe need a greater platform than just my close friends or my spam account. 

I plan to make this blog a traveler's diary, foodie blog, dating advice platform, and overall a very public diary for a very private person. 

Maybe this will reach someone, maybe it won't but let's just have a little fun, shall we? 

What's that song by Cyndi Lauper?  

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUNNNNNNN!!!!